i miss usa.
back hurt over the weekend so badly that i could barely move around properly.
horrible.
i remember when i was young i walked out of the toilet slipped and feell. nearly slid all the way down the stairs.
some days are kind but others are nightmares.
the only thing that keeps me sane is that i don't intentionally go and break rules or kill pple bla bla bla so i should not be paranoid about some pple banning me from clinic because they don't like my face
seriously that way any little wrong can go a loong way
on the other hand i fantasize about sleeping in and all the things that i can do.
but paying another 40000? for six months is not quite worth it?
dunnoe.
sometimes i think this is my worst decision in life.
and than i htink of the guys i used to date
than i think that i made way worst mistakes before.
haha.
oh well.
whats the past shall remain there.

i used to get nightmares once when ex was stalking me.
waiting for me at all the probable places.
freaky.
dun even know how to react?

went to dover park hospice its a nice place
very comfortable
respect the people who volunteer there
even though all is serene there
the place gives me a sense that there is an inner battle there
confusion and all.
really sad and depressing
dealing is death is so difficult for me
i'm just not comfortable with emotions sometimes
i wish logic can always override everything
like when you die would you miss everyone more before your last breaths
i dunnoe in your last days say you know you are going to die will you feel sad knowing you are going?
strange thoughts.
life.